Freemasonry takes good men, and attempts to help them become even better men by providing them with tools to help build character.
None of us are however perfect. We all stumble from time to time. When we do, it is incumbent upon our Brothers to whisper good counsel in our ear.
Being surrounded by other men seeking self improvement, and supporting each other in our individual quests can undoubtedly a powerful part of a quality Lodge experience.
It can however be difficult to approach an erring Brother. To whisper the good counsel he needs into his ear. To bring his fault to his attention.
As his Brothers, it is our duty. But it can be hard.
How can we best approach an erring brother to give him the counsel he needs?
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I struggle to whisper anything let alone good counsel. I'm strongly opinionated and sometimes forget to slow down and take a breath to see where the erring Brother may be coming from. Where his mind and heart may be in the moment. Does he truly feel that his actions are justified? Has he been wronged and feels justification for his response? Has anyone ever confronted him about something like this before? Is this about his family or career or something deeply personal that may cause him to be guarded and defensive? Am I the right person to approach this Brother with the issue?
All these things will play into my judgement and I would consider as many as I could while formulating my plan.
I was taken aside one evening by a Past Master who whispered wise counsel to me and I reacted terribly. I lost my temper, I incorrectly made the situation about the active Brethren and their lack of participation coupled with judgements regarding when and how we organize degrees. It wasn't a shining moment for me.
This Past Master did exactly the right thing. He kept his cool with a fired up young and passionate Mason who's volume was rising quickly. He kept his volume low and made some suggestions from his point of view that I may want to consider.
I was so fired up I didn't respond well, I raised my voice and more or less called him and others out for telling us how to do something they weren't ever available to take part in and we left it at that. Later that night upon reflection of our interaction I reached out to him to apologize for the way I behaved. I owned the fact that they were my actions and that it was an inappropriate response based in emotion and was not rational. I felt attacked for not meeting expectations and balked at some recommendations, I asked for forgiveness for my poor recation which he said was unnecessary but thanked me for reaching out to discuss it. We have mended fences and communicate on a better level now with respect on both sides that prior to then may not have been there. His voice was heard as well as mine and we could both appreciate the other's perspective.
I have had a few times when a Brother has pulled me aside and offered his opinion or recommendation since then and have a much better patience for internalizing them to weigh their merit.
One thing that will stick with me forever about that interaction was the comment toward the end that I am young in Masonry and others have been pouring their lives into it for decades and may have something of value to add if we can just hear it. Hearing you see is the key, not just listening for your time to speak, argue and make your point but truly listen.
So if the need to whisper counsel arises, and it will, make sure you're not reacting in emotion. Take a moment and collect your thoughts. Pull the Brother aside to a.quiet place to have the conversation and consider the mindset that the Brother may be in. Did we just finish a degree? Maybe wait till after repast and find him in the parking lot afterward or just as he's about to go. Ask if he has a moment to talk before starting the conversation.Be sure that they aren't on the defensive and that they can hear what you're trying to say rather than argue or throw up walls. Use language that is respectful and assures them that you want to understand their perspective to better the situation and not just get them to do what you're asking.
Very well put. I was going to say, giving wise council is one thing, how you react to getting that same wise council is something else. Most people react defensively and sometimes angrily. That PM was just right in staying calm during that eruption. Good to know that there are good men like him.
I think that when we are extremely passionate about Freemasonry, we can tend to react hotly when we see someone doing something that we feel is incorrect. I know that I've done it myself.
Like you, I badly regretted doing it afterwards, but all we can do is to try and improve ourselves for the next time something like that comes up.
Related to that though, if we watch our Brothers in Lodge, we can sometimes stop an uncomfortable moment before it even happens. I've got an example:
When I was Master of the Lodge, I had just about 99% buy in on what I was trying to do. But we had this one Past Master who didn't like the changes. Who was still holding a grudge actually over the fact that the Lodge had moved its traditional installation date from December to September years and years ago.
So, I'd be in the East, doing my thing, pushing through the dull business as quickly as possible, and as soon as the meeting ended, every meeting, he would walk up to the East to tell me how I did it wrong that night.
From my perspective, the Lodge was active and growing like mad while I was in the East, and had been dying a quick death when he had been in the East, but from his perspective I was playing too fast and loose with Lodge traditions and 'rules.'
I never did lose my temper with that old PM, actually we got along quite good other than our disagreements as to agenda, but I probably would have lost it eventually.
Luckily for me, one of our more observant Masons used to see the old PM making a bee line for me, and about half the time he was able to slide on over and distract the fellow before he reached me. That was extremely helpful, and something I was grateful for.
The Whispering Good Counsel is one of the key reasons why I’m still active in this Fraternity.
When I joined Tenino Lodge 25 years ago, the Lodge officers ranged from Brothers who were Masons for 10-15 years all the way up to a couple of Past Masters from the 1950’s. In each case, as I fumbled ritual, made a tactless comment, or forgot something important, there was always a “wise owl” who discreetly mentioned the error, offered a couple of solutions to remedy the error, and always displayed a confidence that I’ll learn something from the error, and not do it again, thus improving myself. It was quite a change from the haranguing I got in High school, and a very positive one. It prompted me to continue to attend Lodge, to listen and learn from future hiccups which were inevitable. And the old Past Masters were quite pleased that a youngster was listening to their lessons. It was a win-win situation. That method of civil, discrete admonishment, coupled with encouragement and assistance with correcting the situation, is one of the most important of those lessons. Just like what’s mentioned in the Closing Charge.
However, there might be situations where a “thundering velvet hand” might be the only option. RW Cameron remembers a case a few years ago where I wound up being elected to a Board where the members had been not following proper protocols, and I sent out an E-mail that, while following the “admonishment followed by encouragement and potential solutions” formula, was quite severe. The meeting that followed was quite rough, but if you know what’s right, and you know your Brother is in danger of transgression, do what you can to help him. In the end, that board wound up becoming very well run. It was well worth it.
Either way, understanding that being corrected for an error is a learning moment, and correcting a Brother in their error is a teaching moment, is one of the key facets of our Fraternity.
I find that I am not at all good at admonishing. Whispering wise counsel is one thing, but pointing out to a Brother where he is doing wrong is another. I simply don't like having to do it, and I don't think I do it particularly well in most cases.
Especially in a Lodge situation where the erring Brother is someone whom I've come to admire for his good qualities. Especially as well if he's got 20 or 30 years on me.
I can do it, if I have to do it, but it doesn't come naturally to me. I think that is one of the benefits of Freemasonry, in that we don't always have to do things like this alone. A couple of guys can, at least in my case, perhaps handle situations like these better than I can alone.
I remember one incident where I had done a lot of research on procuring a Lewis Jewel for my son and was a very short on funds to pay for it and was hoping that the Lodge might help with the purchase. A helpful Brother quickly heard that I was raising my voice and pointing my finger who simply motioned that I was way out of line.
I immediately stopped, closed my eyes and took several deep breaths to calm down. I apologized for my disrespect and realized this was a personal item which I had to pay for myself and did.
The incident helped me in handling receiving and giving counsel after that. It was a good lesson to learn.
I struggle to whisper anything let alone good counsel. I'm strongly opinionated and sometimes forget to slow down and take a breath to see where the erring Brother may be coming from. Where his mind and heart may be in the moment. Does he truly feel that his actions are justified? Has he been wronged and feels justification for his response? Has anyone ever confronted him about something like this before? Is this about his family or career or something deeply personal that may cause him to be guarded and defensive? Am I the right person to approach this Brother with the issue?
All these things will play into my judgement and I would consider as many as I could while formulating my plan.
I was taken aside one evening by a Past Master who whispered wise counsel to me and I reacted terribly. I lost my temper, I incorrectly made the situation about the active Brethren and their lack of participation coupled with judgements regarding when and how we organize degrees. It wasn't a shining moment for me.
This Past Master did exactly the right thing. He kept his cool with a fired up young and passionate Mason who's volume was rising quickly. He kept his volume low and made some suggestions from his point of view that I may want to consider.
I was so fired up I didn't respond well, I raised my voice and more or less called him and others out for telling us how to do something they weren't ever available to take part in and we left it at that. Later that night upon reflection of our interaction I reached out to him to apologize for the way I behaved. I owned the fact that they were my actions and that it was an inappropriate response based in emotion and was not rational. I felt attacked for not meeting expectations and balked at some recommendations, I asked for forgiveness for my poor recation which he said was unnecessary but thanked me for reaching out to discuss it. We have mended fences and communicate on a better level now with respect on both sides that prior to then may not have been there. His voice was heard as well as mine and we could both appreciate the other's perspective.
I have had a few times when a Brother has pulled me aside and offered his opinion or recommendation since then and have a much better patience for internalizing them to weigh their merit.
One thing that will stick with me forever about that interaction was the comment toward the end that I am young in Masonry and others have been pouring their lives into it for decades and may have something of value to add if we can just hear it. Hearing you see is the key, not just listening for your time to speak, argue and make your point but truly listen.
So if the need to whisper counsel arises, and it will, make sure you're not reacting in emotion. Take a moment and collect your thoughts. Pull the Brother aside to a.quiet place to have the conversation and consider the mindset that the Brother may be in. Did we just finish a degree? Maybe wait till after repast and find him in the parking lot afterward or just as he's about to go. Ask if he has a moment to talk before starting the conversation.Be sure that they aren't on the defensive and that they can hear what you're trying to say rather than argue or throw up walls. Use language that is respectful and assures them that you want to understand their perspective to better the situation and not just get them to do what you're asking.
Very well put. I was going to say, giving wise council is one thing, how you react to getting that same wise council is something else. Most people react defensively and sometimes angrily. That PM was just right in staying calm during that eruption. Good to know that there are good men like him.
I think that when we are extremely passionate about Freemasonry, we can tend to react hotly when we see someone doing something that we feel is incorrect. I know that I've done it myself.
Like you, I badly regretted doing it afterwards, but all we can do is to try and improve ourselves for the next time something like that comes up.
Related to that though, if we watch our Brothers in Lodge, we can sometimes stop an uncomfortable moment before it even happens. I've got an example:
When I was Master of the Lodge, I had just about 99% buy in on what I was trying to do. But we had this one Past Master who didn't like the changes. Who was still holding a grudge actually over the fact that the Lodge had moved its traditional installation date from December to September years and years ago.
So, I'd be in the East, doing my thing, pushing through the dull business as quickly as possible, and as soon as the meeting ended, every meeting, he would walk up to the East to tell me how I did it wrong that night.
From my perspective, the Lodge was active and growing like mad while I was in the East, and had been dying a quick death when he had been in the East, but from his perspective I was playing too fast and loose with Lodge traditions and 'rules.'
I never did lose my temper with that old PM, actually we got along quite good other than our disagreements as to agenda, but I probably would have lost it eventually.
Luckily for me, one of our more observant Masons used to see the old PM making a bee line for me, and about half the time he was able to slide on over and distract the fellow before he reached me. That was extremely helpful, and something I was grateful for.
The Whispering Good Counsel is one of the key reasons why I’m still active in this Fraternity.
When I joined Tenino Lodge 25 years ago, the Lodge officers ranged from Brothers who were Masons for 10-15 years all the way up to a couple of Past Masters from the 1950’s. In each case, as I fumbled ritual, made a tactless comment, or forgot something important, there was always a “wise owl” who discreetly mentioned the error, offered a couple of solutions to remedy the error, and always displayed a confidence that I’ll learn something from the error, and not do it again, thus improving myself. It was quite a change from the haranguing I got in High school, and a very positive one. It prompted me to continue to attend Lodge, to listen and learn from future hiccups which were inevitable. And the old Past Masters were quite pleased that a youngster was listening to their lessons. It was a win-win situation. That method of civil, discrete admonishment, coupled with encouragement and assistance with correcting the situation, is one of the most important of those lessons. Just like what’s mentioned in the Closing Charge.
However, there might be situations where a “thundering velvet hand” might be the only option. RW Cameron remembers a case a few years ago where I wound up being elected to a Board where the members had been not following proper protocols, and I sent out an E-mail that, while following the “admonishment followed by encouragement and potential solutions” formula, was quite severe. The meeting that followed was quite rough, but if you know what’s right, and you know your Brother is in danger of transgression, do what you can to help him. In the end, that board wound up becoming very well run. It was well worth it.
Either way, understanding that being corrected for an error is a learning moment, and correcting a Brother in their error is a teaching moment, is one of the key facets of our Fraternity.
I find that I am not at all good at admonishing. Whispering wise counsel is one thing, but pointing out to a Brother where he is doing wrong is another. I simply don't like having to do it, and I don't think I do it particularly well in most cases.
Especially in a Lodge situation where the erring Brother is someone whom I've come to admire for his good qualities. Especially as well if he's got 20 or 30 years on me.
I can do it, if I have to do it, but it doesn't come naturally to me. I think that is one of the benefits of Freemasonry, in that we don't always have to do things like this alone. A couple of guys can, at least in my case, perhaps handle situations like these better than I can alone.
I remember one incident where I had done a lot of research on procuring a Lewis Jewel for my son and was a very short on funds to pay for it and was hoping that the Lodge might help with the purchase. A helpful Brother quickly heard that I was raising my voice and pointing my finger who simply motioned that I was way out of line.
I immediately stopped, closed my eyes and took several deep breaths to calm down. I apologized for my disrespect and realized this was a personal item which I had to pay for myself and did.
The incident helped me in handling receiving and giving counsel after that. It was a good lesson to learn.