We go to Lodge, we want to see our friends, so during social time, we hang out with them. It’s only natural.
But what happens when a new guy hits our door and we are all locked into our little groups?
Does that look inviting at all? Or is it intimidating?
What do we need to do in order to make certain that our Lodge social time is inviting to the visiting Mason, or the man who stops in to learn about Freemasonry?
When we move into the Lodge Room, where do we sit our first time visitor? How should we introduce him? What can we do to ensure that he feels that we truly value his visit to us?
Despite my lodge being boring and destitute, this is one area that wasn't a problem. In our brief and plain meals, I could sit with any brother and be included in the conversation. Once in a while the topics even touched on interesting topics. If anything, my lodge needed to make the meal a bigger part of the experience.
I remember the first time I visited a Lodge in this part of the State, W Baxter Harwood 'adopted' me, and made me feel welcome. A good thing, because I knew absolutely no one. The funny thing was, anyone who knew our Brother knew that he was extremely serious about his Democrat politics. Of course just about the first thing he asked me was who I worked for, and of course not knowing any better, I said The Republican Caucus. He was a bit taken aback, but we remained great friends after that until his eventual passing.
Some Brothers in this area though have not been as lucky as me. Not long before the pandemic shut us down, a Mason visited an area Lodge. He had moved here, and was looking for a Lodge to join. He had contacted me in advance, so I met him there. The thing was, I introduced him to every single member of that Lodge, and not a one of them said more than three words to him. Then when the stated meeting started, not a member of that Lodge would sit with him. Luckily a visiting Lodge befriended him.
I think that if these two examples are contrasted, we can see that in the first example, the Brother got a new man for his Lodge. In the second, the Lodge lost a new man, who will end up in a different Lodge.
In my view, this is why it is so vital that we actually think about how we will ensure that everyone is welcomed properly to our Lodge.
It should be every brothers’ responsibility to welcome and engage anyone that walks into the building, but in the end it’s the Master’s responsibility to ensure everyone that comes in is welcomed and put at ease. To answer any questions the visitor might have. Cliques are nothing new, regardless where your at. They are more of a problem when they exclude brothers that are members. There’s no quicker way to “kill” a lodge than to have its members feel unwelcome or not apart of the fraternity. Certainly, there are brothers whose company I enjoy but I have learned and laughed with all the brothers of my lodge.
Years ago one of my Lodges realized that we weren't particularly good at welcoming someone new. We weren't awful, but we weren't great either. That Lodge meets in a Temple that is quite large and significant, and centrally located downtown, so does have interested people just wander in during the social hour prior to the meeting on occasion.
Realizing that we weren't great, we sat down and planned how we would handle visitors in the future. Specifically, who would be responsible for watching out for someone new, and jumping up to greet them. Who was backup in case that person missed seeing them enter, and so on. It worked well because by talking about it, we were all able to realize how important it was.
I also think it worked, because it became someone's responsibility. Whereas before, it was sort of everyone's responsibility, and that brings forth the Tragedy of the Commons.
>>"There’s no quicker way to “kill” a lodge than to have its members feel unwelcome or not >>apart of the fraternity."
This is exactly correct. There is a concordant body near where I live that is filled with cliques, and as near as I can tell if a fellow isn't in one, he's on the outs. I've watched it for a number of years now, it is not successful, and unless something major changes it will not be successful.
Two way street. Not only should we be welcoming and conversational with a first time visitor (I assume, a brother here), but that visitor should also make it a point to go around and introduce himself, and sit at a table with other brothers. In the lodge room, they can sit anywhere they want, we present them at the altar, and thank them for attending our meeting.
It's a bit easier to welcome someone that is inquiring about masonry, as that opens a ton of conversation pieces. We have weekly practice and mentoring night, which is about 50% sitting around socializing, and if they show up then, we just continue to socialize with our new potential candidate.
If they show up on a meeting night, someone will take them around and introduce him to the other brothers, buy them dinner, and get to know them more.
I agree that in a perfect world it is a two way street. My concern is mainly with the introverted visitor, or with the visitor who is somehow different from the men in the Lodge. It can be more difficult for them to get to know the men of the Lodge, but they can turn out to be excellent members once they are comfortable enough to open up.
I think that step four -The social meeting of the Six steps before becoming a Freemason really answers the question. And yes the Master has the responsibility to see the candidate is introduced to all members present and have them actively spend time with the candidate.
Our members need to truly listen to our potential candidates, to really hear them. People can tell when they are really holding the interest of another, and that communicates something powerful to a potential candidate.
It also is a great benefit for the Lodge, because it allows us to do a better job of Guarding our West Gate. It allows us to truly get to know something about the man before we drop a white ball to allow him into our fellowship, and that is of vital importance for the long term health of our Craft.
One of the saddest things I witnessed in a Lodge was after a candidate had been Initiated into the First Degree, he was ignored at the after-meeting dinner. He came downstairs, and just stood there, unsure of what to do. No one, not one Brother, made an overture to invite him to the festive board, yet HE was the reason we were all there!
This is one thing that prompted me to join Tenino Lodge in 1996.
I had known many of the members of that Lodge since I was around 10 or so. Every time I visited Tenino Lodge as a teenager, I always felt welcome. I had gotten to know many of the main active members of the Lodge throughout that period of time, so when I petitioned, it was a no-brainer. There wasn't any cliques in Tenino Lodge, and still aren't.
That being said, I also remember attending a Past Master's association meeting in another region of this state (which will remain unnamed.) The first time I attended, I was totally shrugged off by almost all in attendance. One Brother badgered me about paying for a meal that I didn't even RSVP for, and I also remember one Brother slamming into me walking by, and didn't even blink an eye. Only one member said hi. I told the Brother who brought me to the meeting about what happened, and I thanked him for bringing me, but cordially told him I didn't wish to return. The next year, he said let's try it again. I took the Brother's word for it, and I attended a second time. This time, it went considerably better. Not sure what happened, but at least it had a happy ending.
But scenarios like this can happen in Lodge, and the members might not even realize it! Also, not all Lodge members are social butterflies. Many are introverted, and may not be comfortable jumping up and striking a conversation with a stranger, even if they're a new member of their Lodge. But to be fair, almost every Lodge has at least a couple of extroverted active members, and the Worshipful Master would be wise to appoint those Brothers to be the greeters for visitors, sojourners and new Brothers.
Also mentioned earlier in this thread is bringing up this subject at a Stated Communication -- make it a key topic for ALL to discuss. It'd bring the subject to the forefront, and even if your lodge doesn't seem to have this problem, it could show any hidden problems, or improve things that are already doing well.
>>"But scenarios like this can happen in Lodge, and the members might not even realize it!"
Yes, I think that this is true. It can happen in a Lodge, and the Lodge members are oblivious to it. I don't think it is ever intentional, rather it happens because Brothers are unthinking about it.
>>"...bringing up this subject at a Stated Communication -- make it a key topic for ALL to >>discuss. It'd bring the subject to the forefront, and even if your lodge doesn't seem to have >>this problem, it could show any hidden problems, or improve things that are already doing >>well."
Indeed. Lodges should do this, and do it from time to time. It brings the need to be welcoming to the forefront, and it helps prevent the Lodge Brothers from unthinkingly causing harm.
I had a Facebook post recently which addressed this subject quite well. I think it has a Masonic application.
"Walking thru my son's school yard.... I noticed a bench on the pavement with bright paint around it.
I asked my son, " Is that the only place to sit around here?"
He said, "No, that's the buddy bench! When someone feels lonely or they have nobody to play with, they sit there and people ask them to play"
Wow. Amazing
I then told him how awesome that was and asked if he has ever used it.
He said, " Yeah, when I was new I sat there and someone came to me and asked me to play. I felt happy. And now when I see kids on it, I ask them to play with me....we all do.
What a fabulous idea for a school yard."
I think this concept could be easily adopted in a Masonic Lodge or meal. I have one Brother who has a gift of starting conversations. He starts with a great question, "What keeps you busy these days? He learns where he works, where he's from, how many are in his family what they do and so much more from this one question.
I am not someone who has that gift for starting conversations. I sometimes wish that I was more extroverted, but alas I imagine I'll remain a life long introvert. I do though recognize the value of an open ended question as you describe. Such questions can be the push needed to get a good discussion going.
Thanks Frank, very insightful story. I was taught a simple method for conversation starters many years ago and it still applies today. Of course as mentioned earlier, the other person (candidate, visitor etc) does need to engage as well.
Using this mnemonic, ask 4 questions about these ideas and you'll get a well rounded idea of the person: FORD
Family
Occupation
Recreation
Dreams
Another option that is funny and triggers easy memory is: FROG
Family
Recreation
Occupation
Goals
Examples;
1. Tell me about your family.
)) If he's married he will talk about "his" family. If he's single, he will likely talk about his extended family.
2. What do you like to do when you have free time?
)) This is a great question that allows the person to really tell you their interests.
3. What kind of work do you like to do?
)) It may not be their current employment!
4. What goals have you set for yourself?
)) We should ask this of ourselves from time to time as well!
Of course, as a good conversationalist, you should have your own answers to these questions AND while you are trying to learn about that new person, what we are really doing is trying to find a piece of common ground. It may be small, but somehow common.
At my two Lodges it seems that we are in such a scramble to fill the chairs at each meeting and having inconsistency at the Senior Deacon position we often let visitors go ungreeted. Being a newer member in my Redmond, OR Lodge, I was greeted well, examined at length at first and within 2 years I find myself headed to the East next year already in this new (to me) Lodge.
I have been able to assist in a turnaround process on our building, helped do some renovations, project manage other work and get a renter in for our kitchen and dining room in the form of a day care operation that gives us $ 1,300 a month in much needed income. I have not met some of the Brothers, so when they show up, I seek them out to introduce myself and then follow up with a phone call the next day or so.
I have met some very nice Brothers this way and we have been able to get some to return to regular attendance at Lodge. With the inconsistency at the Senior Deacon level, I have been mentoring the current Senior Deacon to get him to take on this role a bit more seriously and he is making good progress. We still have a long way to go however in making sure visitors and to that extent members are properly greeted and introduced.
$1300 a month in new income is superb, congratulations! I know that financial problems can cause great disharmony in a Lodge, so that extra income will probably help in more ways than one.
Excellent also that you are getting some members returning to regular attendance. That is great!
Despite my lodge being boring and destitute, this is one area that wasn't a problem. In our brief and plain meals, I could sit with any brother and be included in the conversation. Once in a while the topics even touched on interesting topics. If anything, my lodge needed to make the meal a bigger part of the experience.
I remember the first time I visited a Lodge in this part of the State, W Baxter Harwood 'adopted' me, and made me feel welcome. A good thing, because I knew absolutely no one. The funny thing was, anyone who knew our Brother knew that he was extremely serious about his Democrat politics. Of course just about the first thing he asked me was who I worked for, and of course not knowing any better, I said The Republican Caucus. He was a bit taken aback, but we remained great friends after that until his eventual passing.
Some Brothers in this area though have not been as lucky as me. Not long before the pandemic shut us down, a Mason visited an area Lodge. He had moved here, and was looking for a Lodge to join. He had contacted me in advance, so I met him there. The thing was, I introduced him to every single member of that Lodge, and not a one of them said more than three words to him. Then when the stated meeting started, not a member of that Lodge would sit with him. Luckily a visiting Lodge befriended him.
I think that if these two examples are contrasted, we can see that in the first example, the Brother got a new man for his Lodge. In the second, the Lodge lost a new man, who will end up in a different Lodge.
In my view, this is why it is so vital that we actually think about how we will ensure that everyone is welcomed properly to our Lodge.
It should be every brothers’ responsibility to welcome and engage anyone that walks into the building, but in the end it’s the Master’s responsibility to ensure everyone that comes in is welcomed and put at ease. To answer any questions the visitor might have. Cliques are nothing new, regardless where your at. They are more of a problem when they exclude brothers that are members. There’s no quicker way to “kill” a lodge than to have its members feel unwelcome or not apart of the fraternity. Certainly, there are brothers whose company I enjoy but I have learned and laughed with all the brothers of my lodge.
Years ago one of my Lodges realized that we weren't particularly good at welcoming someone new. We weren't awful, but we weren't great either. That Lodge meets in a Temple that is quite large and significant, and centrally located downtown, so does have interested people just wander in during the social hour prior to the meeting on occasion.
Realizing that we weren't great, we sat down and planned how we would handle visitors in the future. Specifically, who would be responsible for watching out for someone new, and jumping up to greet them. Who was backup in case that person missed seeing them enter, and so on. It worked well because by talking about it, we were all able to realize how important it was.
I also think it worked, because it became someone's responsibility. Whereas before, it was sort of everyone's responsibility, and that brings forth the Tragedy of the Commons.
>>"There’s no quicker way to “kill” a lodge than to have its members feel unwelcome or not >>apart of the fraternity."
This is exactly correct. There is a concordant body near where I live that is filled with cliques, and as near as I can tell if a fellow isn't in one, he's on the outs. I've watched it for a number of years now, it is not successful, and unless something major changes it will not be successful.
Two way street. Not only should we be welcoming and conversational with a first time visitor (I assume, a brother here), but that visitor should also make it a point to go around and introduce himself, and sit at a table with other brothers. In the lodge room, they can sit anywhere they want, we present them at the altar, and thank them for attending our meeting.
It's a bit easier to welcome someone that is inquiring about masonry, as that opens a ton of conversation pieces. We have weekly practice and mentoring night, which is about 50% sitting around socializing, and if they show up then, we just continue to socialize with our new potential candidate.
If they show up on a meeting night, someone will take them around and introduce him to the other brothers, buy them dinner, and get to know them more.
I agree that in a perfect world it is a two way street. My concern is mainly with the introverted visitor, or with the visitor who is somehow different from the men in the Lodge. It can be more difficult for them to get to know the men of the Lodge, but they can turn out to be excellent members once they are comfortable enough to open up.
I think that step four -The social meeting of the Six steps before becoming a Freemason really answers the question. And yes the Master has the responsibility to see the candidate is introduced to all members present and have them actively spend time with the candidate.
I think you hit it precisely right when you say:
>>"...actively spend time with the candidate."
Our members need to truly listen to our potential candidates, to really hear them. People can tell when they are really holding the interest of another, and that communicates something powerful to a potential candidate.
It also is a great benefit for the Lodge, because it allows us to do a better job of Guarding our West Gate. It allows us to truly get to know something about the man before we drop a white ball to allow him into our fellowship, and that is of vital importance for the long term health of our Craft.
My wife and I teach martial arts. One rule we adopted from our sensei is simple: the most important person in every class is the newest student.
I like that rule a lot. Simple and effective. Thank you for sharing it!
One of the saddest things I witnessed in a Lodge was after a candidate had been Initiated into the First Degree, he was ignored at the after-meeting dinner. He came downstairs, and just stood there, unsure of what to do. No one, not one Brother, made an overture to invite him to the festive board, yet HE was the reason we were all there!
(By the way, that Lodge is now closed.)
That’s a stunning lack of awareness. I hope the EA found reasons to carry on.
>>"I hope the EA found reasons to carry on."
Indeed. And as Tig mentions that the Lodge in question no longer exists, hopefully the EA was able to find a much better Lodge to join.
That is deeply disturbing to read about.
This is one thing that prompted me to join Tenino Lodge in 1996.
I had known many of the members of that Lodge since I was around 10 or so. Every time I visited Tenino Lodge as a teenager, I always felt welcome. I had gotten to know many of the main active members of the Lodge throughout that period of time, so when I petitioned, it was a no-brainer. There wasn't any cliques in Tenino Lodge, and still aren't.
That being said, I also remember attending a Past Master's association meeting in another region of this state (which will remain unnamed.) The first time I attended, I was totally shrugged off by almost all in attendance. One Brother badgered me about paying for a meal that I didn't even RSVP for, and I also remember one Brother slamming into me walking by, and didn't even blink an eye. Only one member said hi. I told the Brother who brought me to the meeting about what happened, and I thanked him for bringing me, but cordially told him I didn't wish to return. The next year, he said let's try it again. I took the Brother's word for it, and I attended a second time. This time, it went considerably better. Not sure what happened, but at least it had a happy ending.
But scenarios like this can happen in Lodge, and the members might not even realize it! Also, not all Lodge members are social butterflies. Many are introverted, and may not be comfortable jumping up and striking a conversation with a stranger, even if they're a new member of their Lodge. But to be fair, almost every Lodge has at least a couple of extroverted active members, and the Worshipful Master would be wise to appoint those Brothers to be the greeters for visitors, sojourners and new Brothers.
Also mentioned earlier in this thread is bringing up this subject at a Stated Communication -- make it a key topic for ALL to discuss. It'd bring the subject to the forefront, and even if your lodge doesn't seem to have this problem, it could show any hidden problems, or improve things that are already doing well.
>>"But scenarios like this can happen in Lodge, and the members might not even realize it!"
Yes, I think that this is true. It can happen in a Lodge, and the Lodge members are oblivious to it. I don't think it is ever intentional, rather it happens because Brothers are unthinking about it.
>>"...bringing up this subject at a Stated Communication -- make it a key topic for ALL to >>discuss. It'd bring the subject to the forefront, and even if your lodge doesn't seem to have >>this problem, it could show any hidden problems, or improve things that are already doing >>well."
Indeed. Lodges should do this, and do it from time to time. It brings the need to be welcoming to the forefront, and it helps prevent the Lodge Brothers from unthinkingly causing harm.
I had a Facebook post recently which addressed this subject quite well. I think it has a Masonic application.
"Walking thru my son's school yard.... I noticed a bench on the pavement with bright paint around it.
I asked my son, " Is that the only place to sit around here?"
He said, "No, that's the buddy bench! When someone feels lonely or they have nobody to play with, they sit there and people ask them to play"
Wow. Amazing
I then told him how awesome that was and asked if he has ever used it.
He said, " Yeah, when I was new I sat there and someone came to me and asked me to play. I felt happy. And now when I see kids on it, I ask them to play with me....we all do.
What a fabulous idea for a school yard."
I think this concept could be easily adopted in a Masonic Lodge or meal. I have one Brother who has a gift of starting conversations. He starts with a great question, "What keeps you busy these days? He learns where he works, where he's from, how many are in his family what they do and so much more from this one question.
I enjoyed this story a lot. Thanks for sharing, my Brother.
I am not someone who has that gift for starting conversations. I sometimes wish that I was more extroverted, but alas I imagine I'll remain a life long introvert. I do though recognize the value of an open ended question as you describe. Such questions can be the push needed to get a good discussion going.
Thanks Frank, very insightful story. I was taught a simple method for conversation starters many years ago and it still applies today. Of course as mentioned earlier, the other person (candidate, visitor etc) does need to engage as well.
Using this mnemonic, ask 4 questions about these ideas and you'll get a well rounded idea of the person: FORD
Family
Occupation
Recreation
Dreams
Another option that is funny and triggers easy memory is: FROG
Family
Recreation
Occupation
Goals
Examples;
1. Tell me about your family.
)) If he's married he will talk about "his" family. If he's single, he will likely talk about his extended family.
2. What do you like to do when you have free time?
)) This is a great question that allows the person to really tell you their interests.
3. What kind of work do you like to do?
)) It may not be their current employment!
4. What goals have you set for yourself?
)) We should ask this of ourselves from time to time as well!
Of course, as a good conversationalist, you should have your own answers to these questions AND while you are trying to learn about that new person, what we are really doing is trying to find a piece of common ground. It may be small, but somehow common.
Thank you for this. I think many could find it to be quite helpful.
At my two Lodges it seems that we are in such a scramble to fill the chairs at each meeting and having inconsistency at the Senior Deacon position we often let visitors go ungreeted. Being a newer member in my Redmond, OR Lodge, I was greeted well, examined at length at first and within 2 years I find myself headed to the East next year already in this new (to me) Lodge.
I have been able to assist in a turnaround process on our building, helped do some renovations, project manage other work and get a renter in for our kitchen and dining room in the form of a day care operation that gives us $ 1,300 a month in much needed income. I have not met some of the Brothers, so when they show up, I seek them out to introduce myself and then follow up with a phone call the next day or so.
I have met some very nice Brothers this way and we have been able to get some to return to regular attendance at Lodge. With the inconsistency at the Senior Deacon level, I have been mentoring the current Senior Deacon to get him to take on this role a bit more seriously and he is making good progress. We still have a long way to go however in making sure visitors and to that extent members are properly greeted and introduced.
$1300 a month in new income is superb, congratulations! I know that financial problems can cause great disharmony in a Lodge, so that extra income will probably help in more ways than one.
Excellent also that you are getting some members returning to regular attendance. That is great!